Category Archives: Lessons In Life

I love you Mom

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Monday, January 11, 2010.  I get a surprise phone call from my brother Tim. “Mom is back in the hospital, we rushed her to the emergency room at St. John Mercy.” When I get to the hospital late Monday afternoon, mom is in her room. She is in severe pain. The doctors have started her on morphine, the diagnosis is undetermined…she is suffering from severe pain in the abdomen.

My mom is the classic ideal patient. No complaints. Whatever the nurse says or does mom is pleasant, complementary, calls her “honey”.  I had a conversation with my mom before I left the hospital, it would be my last. Earlier that same morning, I called her to see how she was feeling. “Oh, I’m much better,” she said. Four hours later she was headed to the emergency room. When I left the hospital Monday night it was clear mom needed to rest. She was exhausted and she was still in some pain. As I was leaving the room, I said, “I love you Mom.” She responded, “I love you, too.”    

From Tuesday through Sunday my mom fought to live, but it was clear she would not be coming home. Her body was frail, her energy to fight the inevitable was gone. She had slipped from an infection in her intestines to multiple complications within a few days of entering the hospital. Mom passed away Sunday afternoon, January 17, 2010.

The funeral Mass was Wednesday. I was asked to share a few thoughts on behalf of the family. For the record, Ted and Betty Shasserre have six children. Five are now married. There are eighteen grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren. 

Of course, there is nothing that I, or anyone, can say at the funeral to ease the pain or be of comfort to my father or siblings. But, I tried to be upbeat. My mom was a positive person. At all times, in every situation, Mom would seek “the silver lining.” Every family faces difficult times and adverse circumstances. Ours was no exception. And yet, my mom never gave in to “bad times.” She was seldom “down”–never depressed. 

Even in the last year of her life, when her poor health and pain from arthritis was obviously taking its toll, she would complain reluctantly. Mom, or Grandma, as she was now referred to, was much more interested in hearing what was going on with her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren than discussing her health condition.    

Tuesday, before we buried my mother, an out of town friend sent me this poem. It brought me immediate comfort. The words are so positive and uplifting and fitting because they represent the positive thinking of a person filled with faith. Mom was a life long believer in Jesus and His Resurrection and therefore, a long time believer in eternal life. She was filled with faith.

These words read from the altar at her funeral Mass could have easily come from her own voice, with her own inflection, it reads…

I Did Not Die

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow;

I am the diamond glints on snow;

I am gentle sunlight on ripened grain;

I am the gentle Autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush;

I am the swift uplifting rush;

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft star that shines at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

I have no doubt my mother, your grandmother, or your friend Betty, is in heaven now. I have found myself calling on her frequently, asking her for help. It has occurred to me, I haven’t given her time to get her coat off…she hasn’t even been able to check out how cool heaven is….take a look around the place. Clearly, my mom’s work is never done.

I know–others will be thinking about her frequently. Others will call on her for help. And, you know what? She won’t mind. She will actually look forward to hearing from you.

Retreat

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January 10, 2010

I have just returned from a three-day retreat at White House.  White House is located 25 miles south of Saint Louis. It sits on the bluffs of the Mississippi river. The grounds are beautiful, with wooded acreage, walking paths for the Stations of the Cross, Grotto’s of Mary, a large white statue of Jesus, the typical setting one would expect for a retreat house run by the Jesuit order. This was my 28th retreat. I think the first one was in October of 1978.

Thursday night I arrived at 5:00pm, checked into my room, adjusted the heat up on account of the 20 degree outside temperature, picked out my seat location in the Chapel and then headed back to my room to unpack and get settled. Dinner is served at 7:00pm followed by Benediction and then the first Conference. By 10:00pm, I’m in bed and tired. I already know this will be an unusual retreat. There will be few outdoor walks since the temperature is predicted to be in the teens for the next three days. Snow is on the ground and ice is on the paths.

The entire retreat from Thursday evening through Sunday is practiced in silence. There’s no talking, not even at meals. That may sound austere but actually the “silence” is one of my favorite parts of each White House retreat. The meals are good, the accommodations are comfortable, the conference directors (all Jesuit priests) are usually interesting. But, the “silence” is really wonderful. No radios, no television, no email messages, no cell phone calls, nothing to distract me and the other seventy-two retreatants from our effort to converse with the Divine. 

Each day we rise at 7:00am, morning prayer and scripture service follow at 7:30am and breakfast thereafter at 8:ooam.   The first conference commences at 9:15am, another at 10:45am, and lunch at noon.  The afternoon continues with Rosary at 2:30pm followed by Mass at 4:45pm.  Dinner begins at 6:00pm preceeding fellowship where talking, though optional, is permitted.   We close with Benediction and a final conference.  Saturday is similar with a few modifications. Sunday is a shorter day with departure after lunch around 2:00pm.
 
Our retreat Director this year is Fr. Frank Real, a Jesuit in charge of the St. Louis University campus in Madrid Spain. The last retreat that he gave was at White House 19 years ago. As he introduced himself, he explained that he grew up in All Souls parish in Overland. He is 58 years old. He has two younger brothers, Jim and Tom. Now, those facts are of particular interest to me because I grew up in All Souls parish. And even though I’m older than Fr. Frank, I’m sure  my brothers may have gone to grade school with Frank or one of his younger brothers. St. Louis is a city noted for such connections. In actuality, it’s a big city with good small town qualities and characteristics.

The first day of retreat I read a book, With Open Hands, written many years ago by Henri J.M.Nouwen S.J. who died of a massive heart attack in 1996. Henri writes, “Praying is no easy matter. It demands a relationship in which you allow someone other than yourself to enter into the very center of your person, to see there what you would rather leave untouched. Why would you really want to do that?”

And so the retreat begins…
 
The retreat process is loosely based upon the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, the founder of the Society of Jesus (the Jesuits). They were written perhaps 450 years ago, yet they are relevant today.  The retreat Director has a lot of flexibility since these Excercises were originally intended to last thirty consecutive days. We get the rapid fire version however, with most of the tough stuff left for more serious students. Therefore, every retreat is different even though the regiment is very much the same from year to year.
 
This year I brought three of my favorite books with the intent to re-read all three. Two books are written by a delightful new author on spirituality, Fr. Paul Coutinho, a Jesuit priest who was born in India and received his doctorate in historical theology from Saint Louis University. His first book, How Big is Your God, is outstanding. The second book, Just as You Are, is worthwhile as well. His writings are on the edge, challenging us with questions and traps. For example, he writes, “I may say I’m not a racist but cannot even think of one of my children marrying someone from another ethnic group. Or I say I believe in an all-loving God but pray for the conversion of all those who do not practice my religion.”  When you read Fr. Coutinho’s books or listen to him lecture, as I have on several occasions, you leave energized and refreshed by his Eastern/Western influenced theology and his enlightened view of Divinity. God is his everyday companion and Fr. Paul invites us to learn how to have a similar relationship with God.    
 
The third book, I read several years ago, is the The Holy Longing, by Ronald Rolheiser O.M.I. I wound up skimming through it, highlighted some more passages, and then brought it home to return to the shelf.
 
The highlight of this year’s retreat did not come until Sunday. By that time, the three days of silence was beginning to take affect.  When I read something of interest it stayed with me, when Fr. Frank spoke I now heard him more clearly.
 
Sunday morning, I was up early to watch the fog lift off the Mississippi river at sunrise. As the day progressed I watched the ice melt off pine trees, snow melt into the straw grass below, a bird leave its nest and return several times, a tug boat pushes its cargo southward through the ice chunks accumulating in the muddy river below. I felt the warm sun on my face and hands. I noticed that it was so quiet God could finally get through. And, so we talked awhile.
 
 My recommendation– find three days or more every year dedicated to “silence.” Listen closely to “silence.” God is surely there.

St. Ignatius axiom- “Pray as if everything depended on God and work as if everything depends on you.”

Serenity Prayer: “Lord give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
 
Special note: Seven days after this retreat, January 17, 2010,  my mother, Gloria Elizabeth Shasserre, passed away. She was 84 and had been married to my father, Ted, for 64 years. They have six children, five of which are now married, eighteen grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren. Mom is now at peace with her Lord and Savior. May she rest in peace. Amen. 
 
 

Lord, Grant Us Good Leadership

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We exercise our leadership best when we are listening…

“We exercise our leadership best when we are listening, when we recognize the world is a complicated place … when we show some element of humility and when we recognize we may not always have the best answer but we can always encourage the best answer.”

G20 Summit. Barack Obama April 2009

As Oxford philosopher Isaiah Berlin wrote in Mr. Churchill in 1940, “The Prime Minister was able to impose his imagination and his will upon his countrymen. . .and lifted them to an abnormal height.”
Furthermore, and here’s the key point, Churchill made the British people feel as if they were part of the action and vital to the cause of victory. Churchill gave voice to personal involvement, or what we might today call “engagement.” That is the challenge that every leader faces when pushing a significant change initiative. Communication is critical to creating engagement.

The following four-step communications model for creating buy-in comes from the book Great Communication Secrets of Great Leaders.

1. Inform. Explain the situation in terms that are both general and specific. Generality provides context; specifics provide expectations. For example, make the case for your initiative, ask people to support it, and tell them why.
2. Involve. Once people understand the facts as well as what is expected of them, they decide to participate or not. Critical to gaining commitment is communicating “what’s in it for me” (WIFM). You must make the specifics clear, and show what people will gain by supporting your initiatives.
3. Invite. Once people understand what is expected of them, ask for their support. Never assume people will follow you until you ask them. Be specific and persistent as in, “Can I count on your support for this initiative?”
4. Ignite. This final step is not always possible but it’s one that separates the ordinary from the extraordinary. It is when you invoke, as Churchill did, the commitment of individuals to pull together for a cause greater than themselves. Excite the imagination by talking about what will happen when your initiative is a success.

One further point: never assume that once people buy into the process, and understand the WIFM, that you can stop communicating. That was the genius of Churchill. His speeches throughout the war years were designed to rally the British, and they did that through the use of a brilliant combination of rhetoric and storytelling. Churchill made his followers feel vital to the cause.

One of my favorite authors on the topic of leadership is Max Dupree. He wrote two books that I recommend, Leadership is an Art and Leadership Jazz. In the later book he writes, “Leadership can never stop at words. Leaders must act, and they do so only in the context of their beliefs. Without  action or principles, no one can become a leader… integrity in all things precedes all else.”

One of the best leaders that I have ever worked with was the former President of Catholic Charities Saint Louis, Rich Vehige. Rich was a former executive at Southwestern Bell Telephone. In 1999 Rich was asked to take over the Presidents role when the man holding that position was critically ill with cancer. He accepted the position on a part-time temporary basis at no compensation. Five years later, Rich finally resigned to spend more time with his wife, Carol, eight children, and a  dozen or more grandchildren on the family farm.

In those five years, Rich led an organization of more than 1000 employees, located at fifty site locations, providing services to more than 100,000 poor and vulnerable people annually. In the short time Rich was President, Catholic Charities had a long list of accomplishments. The most impressive of all accomplishments was his absolute clarity when it came to mission, vision, values.

Every staff member had a clear understanding of what we were doing, who we were serving, and why we were going to work everyday. Through his daily actions Rich made the mission clear. His vision and value were unwavering. He demonstrated this clarity through daily prayer. Every important meeting of any kind began with the following Catholic Charities prayer:

Oh Lord, our God, source of all love, we come in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, to ask Your blessing on Catholic Charities. Open wide our hearts to those who urgently need a helping hand and tender care.

Send Your Holy Spirit to guide and direct our efforts to respond to those in need, work to improve social conditions, for all Your people, and call others to do the same.

Help us become fully catholic through sharing our gifts with each other and with all who are hindered by poverty or isolation.

May we do Your work with charity, Your gifts of healing love, which reaches beyond daily needs to touch our hearts.

We praise You and bless You Lord, for Your many gifts to us and for the blessings we receive. May we share them generously with our brothers and sisters. Hear our prayer in the name of Jesus  Who is Christ the Lord.

As we bring closure to a difficult year, my prayer for America, for my church, and for the organizations I serve is that we demand good leadership and that I contribute anyway I can toward good leadership. We must  expect from our leaders absolute clarity when it came to mission, vision, values.

God bless you all, and may 2010 be your best year ever.