Ten years ago a friend asked me to be a guest speaker to a group of widows and widowers at a Catholic parish community in West County, Saint Louis, Missouri. I have many years of experience speaking to groups of all sizes. Early in my career, I was a frequent speaker at weekly sales meetings. On multiple occasions since, I have accepted invitations to be the primary motivational speaker or to lead a marketing workshop at national annual meetings. I spent three years traveling the country as a seminar facilitator. I’m comfortable speaking to groups about sales, sales management, marketing, advertising, “branding,” personal development issues and fund-raising. So, speaking to groups was not the concern. The topic and the audience for this request was however, a real concern. I couldn’t imagine myself standing in front of those people. Fear prevailed. What did I have to offer people who had lost their husband or wife? What could I say that would be of any benefit?

I have been honored by family members by being asked to speak at the funeral service of a loved one.  I spoke at the funeral Masses of my father-in-law, mother-in-law, uncle, and my mother. I’ve learned from those experiences that there is absolutely nothing that I, or anyone, can say to ease the pain at the time of loss. But, when requested, the honor is too great to turn down. In my case, I simply thank God for the opportunity and ask Him to lift me up. I pray that what I have to say will be of some benefit to someone in the church that day.

Despite all this, speaking to a group of widows and widowers, most of whom I did not know, was unnerving. According to the Journal of Psychosomatic Research, losing your spouse is the greatest of life’s major stresses exceeding divorce, going to jail, a major illness, job loss, death of a friend, job change, loan foreclosure, or moving out-of-town, in that order.

So, even though the audience would be small in numbers and this speaking engagement was done as a volunteer, I spent many hours in research and preparation before putting together a few thoughts that would carry me through the thirty minutes they had reserved for my speech. In the end, I shared a long list of my favorite books, a short list of my favorite prayers, and an even shorter list of insights and suggestions. The following are a few of those suggestions made ten years ago and now worth repeating to myself and my family. Today is Mothers Day. Mom passed away January 17, four months ago.

It’s ok to feel angry, lonely or whatever. The stress in your life is real. It is ok to feel helpless, loneliness, discouragement or anger during a transitional time. Grief is not a time of weakness, nor a lack of faith. Grief is the price of love.

Keep the communication channels open. After the loss of a loved one we have the right to be lonely, to feel depressed or discouraged, to need friendship, therapy and consistent encouragement. The first thing you need to do is to talk to family. Tell them how you feel, keep the communication channels open. Don’t cut yourself off from family and friends. They are your surest way to emotional survival.

Make your spiritual well-being a top priority. Pray- talk to God. Listen to God. Schedule a time everyday for you and God. Through prayer we turn our hearts, minds and lives over to God. We can and will emerge from our present difficulties with a renewed sense of joy and a renewed purpose in life.

Seek a supportive community in your life. Find a sounding board. The best sounding board are people who have had a similar loss. Find a widow or widower friend and then talk to them.  Mother Theresa once said “loneliness is the most terrible poverty.” Make an affirmation to yourself. It is up to me to seek companionship. Seek a relationship where you can feel energized and upbeat when you are with that person.

Use your greatest power. The most crippling excuse of all during transition is to believe that we are victims of circumstances and powerless to change our lives. The greatest gift that God gave each of us is our power to choose. When faced with adversity we can choose to be happy or to be sad, to be positive or to be negative, to be an angry resentful person or to be a loving and compassionate person. It’s your choice. It’s up to you.

Be a grateful person. Give thanks every day for your good health, for family, for friends, for another day to be useful, another day to be of benefit to someone else. Look at this beautiful world for your eyes to see, your ears to hear. Be grateful your God is a personal God. He taught you how to love.

Be a busy person. Your best medicine is to stay busy. Find a project, clean the house, read a book, sign up for a course at school, use the Internet to learn something new, volunteer for a cause. If you get down or if you feel lonely think to yourself, “how can I do something good for someone else?” Decide what it is….then go do it!

That’s it for suggestions. As far as books are concerned, I recommended eight books ten years ago.  Here’s one from those recommendations that I now recommend for you.  Peace is Every Step: Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life (Thich Nhat Hanh). This Zen Monk author has been exiled from his home and since 1966, for his lectures on reconciliation during the Viet Nam War. In modern-day life we tend to lose touch with the peace that is available in each moment. This is an excellent book for the open-minded who recognize the connection between inner peace and peace on Earth.

As prayers go I can list many. Here are few of my favorites:

Lord, I shall pass this day but once, any good therefore, that I can show to any human being let me do it now. For I will not pass this way again. (Anonymous)

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny compared to what lies within us. (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

Peace is not something that you wish for; it is something that you are, and something that you give away. (Robert Fulghum)

“A goal without a plan is just a wish”
–Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I remember as a little boy, my goal was to be a cowboy when I grew up. When I was ten years old I decided I would be a fireman, or policeman, or maybe a baseball player. The baseball player idea stuck with me until I was age nineteen or twenty and my college baseball career was coming to an end.  I was a switch hitter and I could hit. I was a pretty good infielder too, but I ran the bases like I had a piano on my back (that’s what my father would say). My arm wasn’t very strong either, so second base was about the only position I could play. I played real baseball until I was 28 years old. Sandy was getting tired of taking two children to dad’s baseball double-headers on Sundays. It was time for a new career. That would be one of many career changes. All with goals and expectations. Let’s go back in time.

In my early twenties I answered a newspaper ad and accepted a job as a door to door salesman working on straight commission.  I was selling pots and pans, china, crystal, silverware, cutlery, sewing machines and stereos to single working girls. For those of you who have never heard of a “straight commission” job, it means, no benefits, no salary, you get paid a percentage of the gross sale price. You pay your own expenses, nothing is reimbursed. So, if you work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday from 10:00a.m. to 10:00p.m. and make no sales you get paid nothing, zero, nada. If you make a sale, you get paid. That’s the deal.

I loved that job! In fact, I did it for 3 1/2 years. I was promoted to supervisor a few months after I started. A year or so later, I was relocated to Boston, Massachusetts (at our own personal expense). Next came a promotion to area manager. By that time the company did pay me a small salary, i.e., $10,800 per year plus a higher commission, and a percentage on every sale made by every salesman that I hired and trained. Two years after I got to Boston I had about fifty salesman working out of my offices in Boston, Beverly, Cape Cod and Hartford and New Haven, Connecticut.  By the time I was age 25 my office was #2 of 50 offices in total sales volume. I was recognized by the company, appointed to the Board of Directors. I was making big money and spending it as fast as it came in. In other words, I (we) were getting nowhere fast.

Sandy and I got married in 1968. A few months after we were married, she finished nursing school. When she passed the Boards we thought we were on easy street. We bought a new car. Moved into a new apartment. Then the move to Boston. Craig was born there, then came Brian. We were blessed with two healthy boys, but my long hours of work and lack of financial security was taking a toll. By 1972, I was ready to move back to Saint Louis and start over. My career has been a roller coaster ride ever since.

Sandy and I were fortunate to have six healthy children. All of whom are bright, entrepreneurial hard-working individuals. Each of them have struggled through obstacles. They have pulled themselves up when things were difficult. While the path they are on is still uphill, I have confidence that they will each prevail. Each in their own way. Because each of them have similar characteristics. Each are independent, yet when it comes to family they are interdependent. Each are strong-willed, determined, dreamers, doers. They’ll make it on their own, I’m sure. But, if they need help, they know they don’t have to go far to find it.  

 I mentioned my roller coaster ride career. I have been very fortunate on that ride, more highs than lows.  I’ve been blessed with interesting work. I have been presented with opportunities to give back, to be of benefit to others. I’ve come across many “words to live by” these past 40 years. Here are a few keepers.

1. A man doesn’t drown by falling in the water, he drowns by staying there.

2. Both success and failure are largely the result of habit.

3. Self mastery is the hardest job you will ever tackle. 

4. The system neither recognizes nor tolerates getting without giving.

5.”If you think you can or if you think you can’t you are exactly right.” (Henry Ford) 

6. “It isn’t where you’re coming from, it’s where you are going that counts.” (Ella Fitzgerald)

7. Never dwell on what you have lost instead look at what you have left.

8. Positive self expectancy….be an incurable optimist…optimism is the key to good health and a happy life.

9. “Know thyself, and to your own self be true.” (Henry David Thoreau)

10. Commit your works to the Lord and your plan will be established. (Proverbs 16:3)

It is human nature to dream big dreams. It is common to wish for the best. It is a natural thing to have high hopes even when struggle prevails. It is also human nature, common, or even natural, to “give up” on occasion, or to become discouraged and confused.

The world-famous spiritual author Thomas Merton (1915-1968) seems to be the perfect role model for those who are confused and searching–which, at some point or another, means just about all of us. Merton’s life divides neatly into two halves. The first 27 years is spent as a typical man of the world. The second 27 years he spent in a monastery. Merton entered Gethsemane on December 10, 1941, at age 27. On December 10, 1968, 27 years later to the day, as he journeyed far from his monastic home in order to contribute to East-West spiritual dialogue, he died in Bangkok, Thailand, from accidental electrocution.

Thomas Merton says “there is no faith without doubt. Faith is not the suppression of doubt. It is the overcoming of doubt, and you overcome doubt by  going through it.” Struggle is unavoidable. Be persistant, get through it.

Finally, I leave this monthly writing with one of my favorite findings. I discovered this prayer from a little girl named Nora in the book, Children’s Letters to God. She writes, “I don’t feel alone since I found out about you.” 

I have recently had the privilege to meet Maxine Clark, founder and Chief Executive Officer of Build-A-Bear Workshop. She is a busy woman. We covered a lot of ground in a ten minute phone conversation. Later, I marveled at her leadership skills as she led a room full of busy executives through two strategic planning meetings.

First, let me tell you about the telephone conversation. KETC/CH9 is the public television station in Saint Louis, MO. We are contemplating the merits of a capacity building campaign. Since Maxine is one of our prominent Board members, her opinion is of vital importance.  Under normal conditions we would like a face-to-face meeting with Maxine. However, at this time of the year, we had to settle for a brief telephone conversation. After learning of her enthusiasm in favor of a campaign, I asked Maxine for a financial donation commitment. She said “yes” but was hesitant to be specific. Instead her answer was this, “most of my assets are tied up in Build-A-Bear stock. So, buy-a-bear!”

Well it just so happened the next week-end was Valentine’s Day, and one day later is my wife’s birthday (looks like the perfect storm). I promised Maxine I would buy a bear. And, I did. As a bonus, I came across a book in the store, written by Maxine Clark (with Amy Joyner) called the Bear Necessities of Business. I would like to share with you a few of the things that I learned from reading that book.

• Start by believing you can truly achieve whatever you set your mine to–never discount the power of a positive attitude. (Ah, advice very much in line with what I learned from Norman Vincent Peal, author of the Power of Positive Thinking, some 40 years ago).
• To be happy and successful in business you must do work you are passionate about–the most satisfied people are those who have discovered the greater purpose of their work.
• You build a successful company–one passionate, emotionally attached person at a time. The key is having a targeted focus–specialize in making one core group enormously happy instead of trying to make a lot of different types of customers feel moderately satisfied.
• Going into business underfunded is the biggest and most damaging mistake entrepreneurs make–having a well thought out business plan is an essential component to launching your new venture.
• Create a company where people work for you because they want to not because they have to–employees like to feel valuable and appreciated at work. It’s not just about the paycheck.
• Always listen to your customers first and the marketplace second. Your primary job is to make your customers feel special. (My comment–When the customer/client calls you with good or bad feedback, it’s not an interruption in your work, it is the purpose of it. You are employed because you have customers/clients).
• The most successful people create their own luck through hard work–stop waiting for your lucky break to come.
• Philanthropy, whether through monetary donations or the gift of your time and expertise is an essential moral imperative–it’s our responsibility to make the world a better place, beginning right where we live.

Before we read any further, let’s stop and re-read the last bullet point. Maxine says, “it’s our responsibility to make the world a better place, beginning right where we live.” If you are in the non-profit business, I recommend reading a book, High Impact Philanthropy, by Kay Sprinkel Grace and Alan Wendroff. And if you are a donor, you may enjoy reading Inspired Philanthropy, by Tracy Gary and Melissa Kohner. 

And finally, back to Bear Necessities of Business, my favorite suggestion, found under Bearisms to Live and Work By–take time to taste the honey.

Although Maxine Clark stands less than five feet tall, when she voices her opinion everyone in the room knows they are listening to a giant. She is a giant in terms of business wisdom and common sense. She is also a giant person living out her dream to be of service to her customers, her employees and her neighbors–especially children.

I know she won’t mind if I recommend…buy a bear!